Whether you’re married or dating, young or old, any couple can experience a period of sexual stagnation. It can be depressing and bruising to the ego, and you may think that your only options are to see a counselor or give up completely. But before you throw in the towel or your checkbook, consider these suggestions that could naturally bring the spark back between you and your partner.
Break the Rules
Without realizing it, sometimes couples set up unnecessary boundaries for themselves, creating mental blocks that don’t need to be there. Break these useless things down. Some boundaries have to exist (no sex on the breakfast table right before the kids eat on it), but some rules have to be broken.
Just because it’s after 10 o’clock on a weeknight doesn’t mean you can’t get weird under the sheets. Haven’t showered yet? Perfect opportunity to soap each other up and get down. The kids are home, sure, but they’re asleep and your bedroom door has a lock for a reason.
Continually making excuses about not having sex can condition your mind and body to forget how to appreciate spontaneity. Try not to rely solely on scheduled sessions because that can get dull fast, no matter how much you care about your partner. Go ahead and have sex on Tuesdays, but throw a little Saturday and Thursday in there every now and then.
The most obvious solution to any problem in a relationship is to talk about it, even if the subject is as delicate as sex. Your lack of intimacy is an elephant in the room, so there’s almost no chance your significant other hasn’t noticed too. Putting it on the table will at least give the two of you an opportunity to pinpoint the reason (or reasons) for the decline in activity, and then you can begin to work on it.
Maybe her new job isn’t what she thought it would be and it’s stressing her out too much to even think about sex. Maybe he’s put on a few pounds and it makes him feel less sexy. It’s even possible that, after realizing your sex life isn’t what it used to be, the pressure of getting back into the swing of things is causing your libido to plummet.
Don’t feel ashamed to lay it all out there. Wanting a healthy sex life isn’t an outrageous demand, but be ready for the possibility of discovering that your sex drive is different from your significant other’s. And that’s okay! Communicating your needs and hearing theirs will help you find a solution that works for both of you.
Remember when you were in high school and the pinnacle of your existence was sloppily making out in the back of a car for hours? Your body buzzed, your head was cloudy, and it felt amazing. You can still have that! Only this time around, you’re a responsible adult who can round home base without worrying about your parents finding out.
Kissing releases all sorts of yummy chemicals into your system, like oxytocin and dopamine, that make you feel fantastic. Let yourselves get carried away in that. Get frustrated and sweaty until you can’t stand it anymore. Just because you’re no longer a horny adolescent doesn’t mean you’re only allowed to kiss like a nun right before bed or when leaving for work. ?
A huge chunk of sexual attraction is attributed to the brain. Erotic stimulation doesn’t have to be based entirely on what happens in the moments right before sex. Arousal can start long before then and build up over time. Flirting with your partner is an excellent way to tease each other and boost your egos along the way.
A huge chunk of sexual attraction is attributed to the brain. Erotic stimulation doesn’t have to be based entirely on what happens in the moments right before sex.
Even if you’ve been together for a decade, nothing is stopping you from subtly letting your partner know how much they turn you on. Sexting isn’t just for teenagers anymore. Send a sexy, flirty message while you’re at work and let the anticipation build. Be as graphic or veiled as you see fit, but be clear about your intentions. Remember how hard you worked to earn your partner’s affections in the beginning and match that tenfold.
No, really! Just have sex. Sometimes all we need is a little push in the right direction, a taste of what we’ve been missing, to get back on track. Don’t force the matter. Sex is natural, and it should feel that way, but even nature needs help sometimes.
If you don’t put yourself in a situation to have sex, it probably won’t happen. A lot of people operate under the misapprehension that desire’s job is to pop up on its own on a regular basis so we can fulfill a need. The reality is that, like everything else in a relationship, intimacy needs work. It has to be nurtured to thrive.
Start slow, taking the time to let affection grow into passion. Introduce new things into your bedroom. If you’re not comfortable with that, just talk about your fantasies. The intimacy of sharing such private activities and thoughts will bring you closer together, rekindling your spark and giving you the chance to start fresh.